#020 – ‘I Don’t’ – How Creating a ‘To-Don’t’ List Can Boost Your Wellbeing

Why you should start a ‘to don’t list’ list in 2024.

I can’t believe it is almost the end of January.

My smallest baby turns 2.5 today. My middlest turns 5 next week AND starts Kindy, and my biggest is starting grade 2.

And with the end of January, start of the school year, and the return of most people to work, the hectic treadmill of life recommences, while the slowness of summer evaporates.

We have lunchboxes to make, meetings to attend, gardens to weed, nourishing meals to cook - plus we need to carve out time for ‘self-care’ and all that jazz.

The start of a new year often brings on a new resolve (or a renewed resolve) to conquer a list of things – do more exercise, eat healthier, get a promotion, go on a holiday.

I am ALL for having a set of goals to work towards, especially when they are very specific and you have thought about how they might fit in with the cadence of your life.

For instance, I would love to write a book, study public health, go on a meditation retreat in India, start a wellbeing retreat centre just outside of Canberra, become an executive coach, and run a 10km. But in this season of my life (3 small children, full-time work, impending knee surgery) this doesn’t look super realistic – especially not all at the same time.

This year, alongside my longer-term ‘to-do’ list of goals I want to tick-off, I have created a ‘TO-DON’T’ list.

Our natural inclination sees us always adding more – more work, so we can earn more money, so we can buy more things we don’t need.

More exercise/dieting so we can have more of the ‘perfect’ body.

More socialising, so we can have more friends and always be doing more things.

Our cultural conditioning sees us always pursuing MORE.

But how might we all be a little bit more counter-cultural this year, and pursue less?

I decided a few years ago that the only thing I wanted more of was time. I could handle pretty much less of everything else (except smoochy kisses from my boys, of course).

Even the Harvard Business Review is on board, and has a post on how-to make a to-don’t list at work (I have done this – strong recommend!).

But what does this look like in regular-life land?

At the heart of it, for me at least, it is an exercise in being super intentional with your time.

How many of you got to the end of 2023 (or even the end of January 2024) and wondered what you did all year (or all month)? The time seemed to just melt away.

I find that time vanishes if I am not intentional with it.

There have been a few days this month where I get to the end of the day and I am aghast to see that I spent 3-4 hours on my phone in the last 24 hours. I might have been reading the news, scrolling Instagram, going to check the weather (and then 10 mins later wondering how I ended up on Instagram).

High on my ‘to don’t’ list this year is all things related to phone use. I am not going to get mired in the black hole that is my phone. I am going to turn-off notifications for everything and be deliberate when I use it, rather than just picking it up as soon as someone texts me (sorry/not sorry friends for all of the slow replies coming your way).

Second on my ‘to-don’t’ list is saying yes or no immediately to a request – whether it be socially or at work - I am going to take the time to consider it and how it fits with life.

I have been working on this one for a while now. I remember reading somewhere that a woman decided on saying ‘yes’ only if it was a ‘hell yes!’ – if it wasn’t a ‘hell yes, I am so excited to do that’, it was a no.

Obviously this doesn’t work as easily in the work place – but you might be surprised to find that saying no at work isn’t as catastrophic as it might sound in your head.

I have also taken this approach to kid parties. With 3 kids, if we said yes to every birthday party we would forever live at flipout or some other kind of noisy and overwhelming play centre (and spend a LOT of money on birthday presents).

Third on my ‘to-don’t list is over-parenting. I remember reading this fantastic parenting book after having my first child called The Idle Parent. While I love to intentionally spend time making marble runs, in the garden, reading Maisy, or playing board games, I don’t play with my kids all the time (that’s why I had 3 of them, so they could play with each other!) – and I try to give them unstructured, loosely supervised time as much as possible. On my to-don’t list also now includes doing their laundry. They now put their own clothes away (nothing is folded and I am ok with that) and put their own washing in the basket or in the machine. Everyone know that if they spill something, they have to clean it up themselves. I even make the older two order for themselves at cafes. That’s how idle I am!

Fourth, I don’t do all the things at work. I know I could work longer hours and strive for a promotion. But I don’t want to. I value time – the time with my family, the time to study random things, time to work on Well, Well, and the time to just do nothing. I work hard during work hours, but high on my ‘to-don’t’ list is working after hours unless absolutely critical. This includes checking email on my work phone just because I happened to be walking past my phone on the way to kid bath time (I’m looking at you bad habit of 2023!).

There are a tonne of things that you might have on your own ‘to-don’t’ list. If you were to identify and eliminate activities that can drain your energy, motivation, and productivity, what would they be?

·      Don’t obsess over food, and focus instead on the quality of food you eat (I try to live by the mantra if I wouldn’t want my toddler to eat it, then perhaps I should reconsider).

·      Don’t spend more than 15 mins on social media a day (and set limits on your phone).

·      Don’t drink coffee after lunchtime.

·      Don’t order takeaway.

·      Don’t drink on week nights

·      Don’t do what everyone else is doing.

·      Don’t dwell on past problems.

·      Don’t deny your emotions.

·      Don’t put others ahead of yourself.

·      Don’t fritter away time.

·      Don’t be overly available/responsive (all the time).

Through the process of identifying activities that waste your time or negatively impact your well-being, and eliminating those from your daily routine, you can free up time to focus on really matters.

Next time you are thinking about adding something to your ‘to-do’ list, think instead about whipping up a ‘to-don’t list. Write it on the fridge, share it with friends, and do the wellbeing maths. If we constantly add things/people/jobs to our lives, we get pretty full, pretty quickly.

Let me know in the comments what you are putting on your ‘to don’t’ list.

If in doubt, cut something out (or something equally as rhyme-y to live by)!

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Be well,

Alicia